Words we love: sonder - the complex lives of others

Perhaps it’s just my prefrontal cortex rapidly forming as the quarter century looms, or maybe Inside Out 2 hit me differently as an adult, but I’ve found myself hurtling towards a question that many may consider a Gen Zer’s worst nightmare: “is the world bigger than just me?”.

A neologism coined by author John Koenig in his book The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, “sonder” is the realisation that everyone around you has a life just as complex, full, and nuanced as yours. Each person you pass on the street, who you may consider for only a split second - or not even notice at all - has a totally unique history, set of memories, relationships and traumas.

As an American transplant in Switzerland, Koenig grew up feeling like an outsider in a cultural melting pot, and struggled with how few words the English language has for emotional states. For him, "language can crystallize things [...] and let you hold it in your hand” (CBC). Thus The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows was born, birthing words such as sonder, nemotia (feeling powerless to change the world), and ludiosis (the feeling of making it up as you go).

Traditional and social media have been fascinated by the rise of TikTok’s "Main Character Syndrome" in the past years. So while Gen Zers (much to the dismay of many older generations) have taken to perceiving themselves as the headline act in the show of life, sonder appears from the sidelines as its quieter, more philosophical and perhaps more existentially anxious twin.

And yes, maybe we should be more “main character”. It’s our lives after all, and this attitude from Gen Z makes sense considering the chaos we have been born into (nemotia, anyone?). Perhaps a healthy dose of delusion is the best medicine in the 2020s.

But I do still think we have something to learn by heeding sonder’s call. While it’s tempting to throw caution to the wind and be the Carrie in our own Sex and the City, taking the time to acknowledge that everyone’s plot is just as thick as our own (with their own seasons, character arcs, and dramas) can only serve us in the future.

Recognising the depth of the lives of others can help us rationalise that shirty email, that awkward interaction or cold shoulder. The people around us aren’t two-dimensional background characters in our story. They have bad days, they have good days, they have heartbreaks, they have crushes, all of which feed into the way they interact with the world, and us.

Living life with a bit more sonder may help us be more gentle to each other, and (just maybe) be a bit less trapped within our own heads.